My first attempt at a post explaining my absence came off as embarrassingly whiny. My second attempt was curt. Third time’s the charm?
So, things have not been going As Planned. I’ve hit a bit of a writing roadblock of late, and it’s a relief that the podcast is on hiatus as we get our older episodes remastered. It’s crazy how much we’ve learned since we started The Alexandria Archives just a few months ago. But in that short time, we’ve come a long way. I’m pretty proud of everything we’ve accomplished. Unfortunately that’s more than I can say for my day job, which I’ve been struggling with for a while now. It’s been some time since I felt pride in my work, and while I suspected that my current arrangement would only be temporary, I’m forced to admit that it may not work out much longer. There’s a (RADICALLY different) position I interviewed for recently that I’m waiting for news on. I’ve also sent out applications in other states, and it’s looking like my move this summer – if it’s even as late as summer – might be a longer distance than I’d anticipated. While I think a change of scenery might do me some good, part of me feels a bit like I’m running away. It’s a weird, kind of sheepish feeling at this point in my life. The current political situation has been another drain. I know better than to read the comments, right? So why do I keep reading the comments? Keeping abreast of what’s going on in the world has never been so bone-deep exhausting. It’s like everywhere I turn, there’s another piece of bad news waiting. And it doesn’t look like it’s about to let up anytime soon.
But back to writing.
Before there was The Alexandria Archives, there was Eldritch Nonsense, a NaNoWriMo project that was a mishmash of some story concepts I’d been working on since I was a lowly undergrad. I signed up, I wrote, I finished. Hooray! And then the project sat untouched for over a year while I worked on Other Things. Work on the podcast has gotten me thinking about that old story once again, and I thought I’d dust it off and give it another go. Easier said than done, turns out. Gone are the days where I could churn out content without so much as a coffee break. These days, getting a word down is like pulling teeth. And getting feedback has been even harder. My podcast collaborators are busy with work/school/family stuff, my writing buddy is knee-deep in revision, and my writing group is…well, they’re an odd lot, so I’m not exactly sure what they’re up to at the moment. But whatever it is, it’s not reading the excerpt I handed out at our last meeting. I’m stuck. And I’ve got the anxiety about my finances, my depression, my job, and my move hanging over my head, further complicating things. I feel a little lost.
Life doesn’t come with instructions. I’m doing all I can to move forward – I know that – but process is a little more sluggish than I’d like. And it’s ok to feel like that. The problem comes when you get bogged down and trapped, wrapped up in your preoccupations and fears. I’ve been fighting that. I’ve got the tools I need to get to a better place…I just have to use them. So I’m sticking it out, doing the best I can where I am now. And that’s all I can do.